Masters of the Universe (1987): Epic Villains, Huge Swords, and Cynical Cash Grabs - Reactor

In this column, we’re looking back at the 1980s as their own particular age of fantasy movies—a legacy that largely disappeared in the ’90s only to resurface in the 2000s, though in many ways, the fantasy films of the Eighties are far weirder and less polished than what we got in the aughts. In each of these articles, we’ll explore a canonical fantasy movie released between 1980 and 1989 and discuss whatever enduring legacy the film has maintained in the decades since.

For a more in-depth introduction to this series of articles, you can find the first installment here, focusing on 1981’s Dragonslayer. Last time, we looked at the inadvertently surreal cash grab that was Luigi Cozzi’s Hercules (1983). This time, we’ll be exploring yet another dubious Cannon Films production, the less surreal but even more cash-grabby Masters of the Universe (1987).

Now, there might be a bit of a controversy here: Masters of the Universe, with its laser guns and portal-generating devices, is definitely a science fiction film—at least in part. If we include Masters of the Universe in the scope of this column, should we also include fellow ’80s science-fantasy crossbreeds like Flash Gordon or The Empire Strikes Back? That remains to be seen, but for this article I can safely say that while the film certainly has a lot of science fiction props, it plays out like a sword-and-planet fantasy film and there is magic aplenty. I think it counts as fantasy enough for our purposes today. Also, of course, 39 years after the original, an official reboot is slated for release in just about a week (but more on that later). 

I am ever so slightly too young to have experienced the height of the He-Man craze; Mattel’s first Masters of the Universe action figures and comics debuted in 1981, two years before I was born, and the original show ran from 1983-1984 with its spin-off series, She-Ra, running from 1985-1987. As the oldest child in my family, I did not inherit a Castle Grayskull playset from an older sibling and so most of the Masters of the Universe line lurked in the background of my consciousness, with the heavily marketed toy-and-animated show one-two punch of my own childhood being Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As a result, I first saw the 1987 film about a decade ago as an adult, eager to soak up its bad movie vibes while exploring the Cannon canon, as it were. It’s still a trip.

Briefly: on the distant planet of Eternia, the evil warlord Skeletor (Frank Langella), has imprisoned the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull and uses her magic to oppress the local populace. He-Man (Dolph Lundgren)—who is never called Prince Adam in this version, and is not necessarily even a prince—along with his fellow warriors Man-At-Arms and Teela lead a fight to reclaim their planet. They encounter Gwildor, a gnome-like inventor who designed a “Cosmic Key” capable of teleporting people across the universe. Trusting by nature, he explains that he gave it to Skeletor, allowing him to take the castle. 

The foursome attempt a daring raid to liberate the Sorceress and reclaim the device, only to end up being sent through a portal to Earth, with Skeletor’s warriors in hot pursuit. Orphaned fast-food worker Julie (Courtney Cox) discovers the Key in an open grave (which is inexplicably referred to as a “flowerbed”) on her last night before she’s set to move to New Jersey from the unnamed podunk town in which most of the film takes place. Through a series of misadventures, Julie and the Eternians proceed to lose and pursue the Cosmic Key while being hunted by Skeletor’s lieutenant, femme fatale sorceress Evil-Lyn.

The film spends a lot of time focusing on the Earthlings—Julie, her musician boyfriend Kevin, tough-talking police detective Lubic (James Tolkan, who plays Principal Strickland in the Back to the Future movies), and music store owner Charlie (who looks and dresses uncannily like music industry interviewer Nardwuar). This culminates in a shoot-out at the music store where Evil-Lyn impersonates Julie’s dead mother to take back the Cosmic Key and bring Skeletor and his soldiers through a portal to earth. They capture He-man and grievously wound Julie. 

Now back on Eternia, Skeletor waxes grandiloquent while torturing He-Man, as Man-At-Arms, Teela, Kevin, and Gwildor endeavor to play a badass song though the musically powered Cosmic Key to rescue him. Skeletor is empowered by the magic of the cosmos and declares himself “master of the universe”…all looks lost until the Earth contingent arrives to free He-Man and allow him to reclaim his sword. He screams his catchphrase, “I have the Power!!!” and, after what might be the most lazily choreographed fight scene I’ve ever seen, He-Man triumphs, sending Skeletor to his presumed death.

Freed from Skeletor’s clutches, Kevin and Julie return home, vowing to stay together despite earlier misgivings, but Lubic stays behind in Eternia to shack up with a random hot blonde he met during the climactic fight. In the final scene, Julie realizes she has been sent back in time to the day of her parent’s death, which she is able to prevent by stealing her father’s car keys. He-Man shouts his catchphrase one more time and the film ends. Well, except for the post-credits scene, which promised a sequel that never quite got off the ground in spite of Cannon’s best efforts.

The movie debuted to a somewhat anemic box office, despite being directly tied into the still incredibly popular toy line that started it all, and garnered general critical scorn. It was nominated for a few Saturn awards for costuming and special effects and Billy Barty was nominated for a Razzie but lost to David Mendenhall, the child actor who starred alongside Sylvester Stallone in yet another Cannon Film, Over the Top (the Razzies have never had the classiest of voting boards). 

So, is the movie worth watching? In this case, the short answer is “no.” It has a few buckwild moments that might appeal to aficionados of bad films, but on the whole it’s not even particularly entertaining on that front. It mostly serves as a record of how to fumble a film franchise that should have been low-hanging fruit, making a mess of something that should have at least been fun and relatively watchable, with a built-in audience. Some of that problem is in the script. The film seems to loathe its ostensible subject matter, preferring to devote its minimal efforts at characterization and plot momentum to Julie and Kevin, the random Earth teens. He-Man himself isn’t given anything approaching an arc, and we learn even less about his Eternian companions. According to the screenwriter (The Dark Crystal’s David Odell), interference from Mattel executives resulted in an array of creative compromises and placed restrictions on the story—for example, He-Man couldn’t be shown to kill a living being, since it might tarnish his image with young toy-buying fans.

Then again, part of that particular problem may lie with Dolph Lundgren. While Lundgren had made an impression with other campy roles, including a small part as a henchman in A View to a Kill and as the villainous Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, he just can’t quite live up to his central role as the champion of Eternia. Supposedly, contractual issues kept director Gary Goddard from redubbing Lundgren’s lines, so what remains is a wooden, stilted performance where Lundgren seems to struggle with the dialogue. He has zero chemistry with his castmates and mostly seems to function as a living action figure—big muscles to build a shot around.

All this leaves the film without a center. Luckily, it’s saved from being completely hollow by Langella and Cox, who are clearly both working hard to make something of their roles. Langella, who apparently took the part because his young son loved the toys, imbues Skeletor with the same Shakespearean grandeur he gave Count Dracula a decade earlier. Skeletor sounds great, though his character design is a ghastly misfire that, of all things, fails to give him the dark eye sockets which are a major part of the original character’s design. That said, the best scenes are the exchanges between him and Meg Foster’s Evil-Lyn, where the figurative moustache-twirling and sexual tension crackles. 

Billy Barty, as Gwildor, a character created for the film (Orko would have been too expense to recreate onscreen, given the low budget), is also trying his best but he is thoroughly hampered by a mask and prosthetics that barely move when he talks. Watching him pour a ramekin of gravy haphazardly into the frozen maw on his face and spilling most of it in the mask’s unsightly beard feels less like a sight gag and more like divine punishment for both Barty and the viewing audience. Gwildor is profoundly annoying and every one of his ridiculous japes is heralded by the other characters in the scene halfheartedly laughing, as if to prompt the audience to follow suit.

More egregious, the film borrows shamelessly from Star Wars—to the point where Skeletor’s soldiers are garbed almost precisely like TIE fighter pilots and march in lockstep to a track that is legally distinct (but little else) from “The Imperial March.” There’s weird product placement as well. Despite the fact that Julie works at a fictional KFC-alike called Robby’s Chicken and Ribs, her boyfriend is seen eating a bucket of actual KFC in one shot and conspicuously tossing out Burger King wrappers in the next. All that, before He-Man pilots a hoverboard past an H&R Block more than once. 

So what legacy does Masters of the Universe leave in its ignoble wake? It certainly marked a big break for Monica Geller herself, Courtney Cox. That, oddly, means a full third of the cast of Friends had their big break in films that revolved around a diminutive fantasy creature with magical powers. Like Langella, Cox’s performance shows that, even though it’s her first starring role (and only her second film), she’s slumming it—coming across as far more charming and grounded than the move deserves, and certainly bringing more to her part than was written.

This also likely marks an important moment in the rather depressing history of films being creatively shackled by toy sales. Mattel’s Masters of the Universe toys, alongside Hasbro’s Transformers (which debuted two years after the original He-Man line) proved that you could lead with retail sales and worry about the creative process later. It’s a cynical way to make art, sure, but it definitely seems to have panned out in Mattel’s favor. 

And then there’s the matter of the reboot coming out on June 5th. While the new film seems to borrow more directly from the animated shows than its cinematic predecessor, trailers clearly show characters who were introduced in the 1987 movie like the cobra-headed Saurod and Karg (the one who looks like a rejected action figure based on The Brood)—still no word if people will continue to pronounce Saurod like “Shiraz” as Meg Foster does. And, at the very least, as a live-action film, it will be stepping into the Cannon movie’s ill-fitting shoes by default. Will it manage to soar above its predecessor? Will it feature He-Man singing 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Going On?” Can it possibly transcend the fatal mistake of casting the internet’s (justifiably) favorite punching bag, Jared Leto, as Skeletor? My answers are possibly, hopefully, and definitely not… but honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get through this one with no mention of Gwildor.

But what do you think? Have I missed the mark in finding Masters of the Universe to be distinctly un-fun (even in a “so bad, it’s good” way)? Do you see something in Dolph Lundgren’s oiled-up pecs that I don’t? Do you want to talk about how much better She-Ra was, or just remind everyone to go watch She-Ra and the Princesses of Power? Let me know in the comments, and be sure to join us next time when we move from callous cash grab to a high art money pit with The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988).